I realize I probably wont be getting on here, really. In all sincerity, thanks for everyone’s kindness, and concerns„ and to all those who have tried to help me when I really needed it. I, just getting on here kind of makes me more sad. Even the funny posts that make me chuckle, there is this over whelming link of sadness to the website, and I could probably name a few reasons why, but I’ll keep them all to myself.
You guys are wonderful people, never confuse yourself on that.
I’ll probably see everyone next month. Maybe.
Au revoir, for now.
Another short update:
My “best friend” bailed on me tonight again. I’m a little upset cause its been months since I’ve seen her and every time we make any plans, she is “coming down with something”
I’m not that upset about it now, I think I might just grab a drink for myself and relax, today was a long day anyway, and after eating at this mexican restaurant earlier with my friend on our lunch break, my stomach isn’t cooperating with me.
Its cold in my room. I’m feeling calm, and happy. Thanks for all those who didnt unfollow me due to my inactive-ness, And I can’t thank you enough for all the kindness I receive on here even with rarely getting on any more.
I guess I should probably settle in for bed, I don’t have to be at work till later tomorrow since i’m stuck on this dreaded closing shifts. Bon nuit mes amis.
I realize I won’t ever have the time to get on here anymore. It may be because of my depression, anxiety, and laziness. Or it may just be something telling me I have so much responsibility that I can’t do some things anymore. Either way, it won’t surprise me if eventually I’ll get on here once every three months.
Things have been weird lately, I’m trying my very best not to acknowledge certain thoughts, cause I’m sure I’m over thinking a lot of situations. I got to tell myself things have changed, I’ve grown. I’ve got to escape this set thought. I know if I talk about it, I’ll jinx it. But I wish I could let it out.
I’m torn with deciding to see a therapist again, get re evaluated and put on medication for my mental health, and just ignoring everything to where it’ll potentially build up and lead to suicide.
Sometimes I wish I had a friend that I was so close with, that I talked to everyday, that I could be like, heyyy, its 12:36 AM my thoughts are killing me, lets go for a walk, and we’d have a usual spot where we would chill, regardless of the weather, and time and we’d sit there for hours discussing how fucked up we are. I feel like if I had a friend like that, being the way I am would be easier to deal with, and perhaps they’d feel the same. I miss having someone I was close to like that, I miss having the ability to maintain a friendship on that level.
Except I find myself, more and more, realizing that I’m pretty damn lonely.
Which in retrospect, don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful boyfriend. But I don’t get to see him all the time, and with how I’ve been having nothing but closing shifts and not getting home til eleven can affect a lot of things.
I’m just so sad, and lonely. And for once I want to just stay happy, and feel right. People say you wouldn’t be who you are today if it wasn’t for what you’ve endured. But theres a lot of things I wish I didn’t endure. I mean, I like who I am, compared to who I’ve been. I’ma lot more mature, I handle things better than I think I ever have. But at the same time, I know deep inside I’m terrible fucked up.
I wish I didn’t get involved in so many bad relationships. Friendships as well as lovers.
I guess I’ll be done bothering anyone who even bothers to read what I write. Time to maybe attempt to fill out an application for a higher position in my line of work. Wish me luck.
Anonymous said: I hope things have been a little bit better for you.
Its just me. I can’t escape these thoughts. No matter how good things are going for me, I will always want to die.
Wishing I had,friends to get drunk with and,eat chocolates.
Anonymous said: For someone so lovely you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. Just know that you aren't alone in this. Stay safe and keep moving forward. xoxo
I’m not that lovely, but thank you anon. You are too sweet.
Just waking up from my alcohol nap. I’m feeling rather lonely. I don’t feel like I have any friends. But who am I anyway? I know I’m not someone people look for in a friend. In high school, I was strangely popular, in detail at least in my last two high schools I went to. I went to a total of three. But now I barely have any friends, besides my amazing boyfriend, no one really bothers with me on a day to day basis, no one tries to hang out with me, or invites me to do anything. I’m loosing a lot of motivation, I don’t bother with people anymore because of that. I’m sick of my job, I work my ass off and I feel so unappreciated. Everytime I walk in the store, whatever happiness I had, leaves, and I get the urge to kill myself. I just, I miss a lot of things. I get nostalgic when this happens.,idk, just my rant for the night. Thanks for listening tumblr, since I have barely anyone I can talk to.